Parenthood, and in particular motherhood, is a great joy, and many women say that holding a newborn child in their arms is such happiness that only a few things in the world can compare with. On the other hand, it is also a great responsibility and no less great fatigue – after all, you cannot explain to a small child that a mother should also at least just rest.
In today’s world, the concept is increasingly spreading that both parents should equally devote time and energy to caring for a child. At least it looks completely fair. But in the so-called “default parenting”, which is still the most common, alas, most of the burden falls on moms. And even if the father tries to help, sometimes he only does harm.
Like for Rebecca Craig, for example, whose video recently went viral with over 2.3M views and almost 400K likes on TikTok. No, Rebecca wasn’t complaining – she was just describing what she usually calls “hurtful helping” looks like.
More info: TikTok
The Original Poster felt overwhelmed with caring for her 10-month-old baby and just wanted to take a small break
Image credits: rebeccacraig47
So, the son of Rebecca and her husband is ten months old and, of course, requires constant care, like all babies. As a result, the mother has been feeling overwhelmed for a long time and one day she decided to put the baby in his crib to give herself at least ten minutes of rest and a snack.
Image credits: rebeccacraig47
The OP’s husband offered his help but it really led to nothing good at all
Of course, the child immediately demanded parental attention, the only way available to him at this age – crying loudly. Rebecca’s husband, who had stayed at home to help care for the baby, immediately came over and said that the boy was crying (as if she hadn’t heard it herself).
Image credits: rebeccacraig47
The mom honestly admitted that she feels completely exhausted and wants to give herself at least ten minutes to eat. The man offered his help, to which the wife, of course, gratefully accepted. However, less than two minutes had passed before her husband returned to Rebecca and… handed her a crying baby, explaining that he could not calm him down, and simply did not know how to do it.
The mom said this is exactly the thing she likes to call “hurtful helping”
In general, as Rebecca herself says, this is a classic example of what she likes to call “hurtful helping” when it would seem they want to help you out of good intentions, but because of their own incompetence, they make it even worse than it was before – after all, the mom was already psychologically tuned in to such a rare opportunity for herself to take a small break.
Image credits: lamujermorena
The OP’s video sparked a massive discussion and several interesting video responses
Rebecca’s video went viral and sparked a wave of discussions on TikTok. Resonant was, for example, this video response from a nurse named Deborah, who called what happened to Rebecca and her husband “default parenting syndrome”, arguing that this was not even “weaponized incompetence”.
Image credits: lamujermorena
So, according to Deborah, most of all it looks like a situation where they allegedly extend a helping hand to you, and when you extend your hand in response, it is painfully pricked with a needle. The woman is sure that now a whole “that’s why you’re not married” brigade will come to her in the comments, but she decided to express her point of view anyway, because many women are incredibly tired of motherhood, simply because their husbands do not help them. Or they pretend to help but in fact, they only harm.
Image credits: lamujermorena
Experts state that such situations really need a compassionate conversation between the partners
In such cases, of course, partners need to talk about it more and more. Laurel Sims-Stewart, a therapist and Community Outreach Director at Bridge Counseling and Wellness, usually encourages her mom clients with partners to have a compassionate conversation asking for support in clear ways. “Find specific things that you can ask them to take on,” says Laurel in an interview for Mother United. “Your partner doesn’t always know what you want, so naming your need and asking for support with several tasks can help them as much as it will help you.”
Most people in the comments supported the OP and some of them also shared their own similar stories
We must say that people in the comments massively supported Rebecca – however, it is worth recognizing that they were mostly women. For example, one commenter said that her father still boasts that he never changed a diaper for her or her brother. And some commenters claim that such situations are an extra reason why they do not want children.
And for some reason, some of the commenters also criticized Rebecca for simply leaving a crying baby in his crib. To this, other people reasonably objected that those who criticize the mom for this, while she herself feels exhausted, are also part of the problem.
In general, parenting issues are always very complex and require a lot of attention, so we always welcome your comments on this story. And if you are interested in the topic of kids and parenting, you can also read our post about toddler tantrums, or a selection of moments when moms and dads were amazed by curse words from their little kids.
